Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
