He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
