I didn't shave. On purpose
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
