my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
