It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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