We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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