Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
