Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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