260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
