Swine flu. Run for my life!
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
