apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
