rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
