i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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