he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
