it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
