God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
