you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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