I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
