don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
