ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
