Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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