We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Randomize
