Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
