i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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