so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
