after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
