If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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