Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
