She is in my trunk
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Randomize
