i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
