I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
