i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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