i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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