Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
