I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Bring me that man meat
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
