She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
