people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
