Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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