the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.