You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."