nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
