you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
