If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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