When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
