Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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