I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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