Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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