I think i peed on brittanys purse
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
