Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
