I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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