I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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