Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
