Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Randomize
