When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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