none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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