Non-Jews are for practice
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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